“Arrgh! Don’t get me started on that. This guy keeps stealing my thunder every single time. (Biden shrugged in frustration) Is this why I ran for President three goddamn times?”
As the walking-talking bag of Cheetos finally left the White House, everyone was eagerly waiting for the inauguration of Joe Biden as the 46th President of the United States. All the spotlights were on him. But instead of his promises to his fellow citizens, the 79-year-old amateur Santa Claus cos-player, Bernie Sanders stole the show as his humble appearance - his manila envelope and hand-made mittens - in the inaugural ceremony took the internet by a storm. There are Bernie memes everywhere: ranging from Bernie sharing a ride with Chihiro from Spirited Away to him featuring in the album covers.
Team TBS found such mockery of the Presidential inauguration to be outrageous, and its connotations: quite mysterious.
Why would this communist train-wreck appear in the inauguration in such an outfit? Are his friends in Cuba behind this conspiracy?
People needed to know.
So, Team TBS pledged to get to the bottom of this mystery. We decided to conduct fictional interviews of everyone involved to get a better understanding as to how something so scandalous was allowed to happen.
First, we went to interview the newly appointed President Joe Biden. After being strip-searched at the JFK airport and one of our reporters being denied entry (because he had Islam in his name), we finally managed to meet the incoming president.
When we entered the Oval Office, Biden was taking his brain medications. Seeing us enter, he put those out of sight in a hurry. Then he welcomed us and told us to be seated. We began our interview.
"Mr President, what is your opinion on the Bernie memes floating around on the internet?"
- "Arrgh! Don't get me started on that. This guy keeps stealing my thunder every single time. (Biden shrugged in frustration) Is this why I ran for President three goddamn times?"
"First he pestered me with his socialist policies during the primaries. Do you know how hard it was to persuade my donors at Pfizer because of his "Medicare for all" nonsense?" the POTUS continued.
"I had to beg Obama to step in and convince Pete and Amy to step down so I could win Super Tuesday. After all I've been through, when I finally thought it was my day, this uncivilized wackadoodle from Canada had to ruin that too." Biden shouted furiously. Interestingly, there were no gaffes. His brain medication seemed to work perfectly.
Mr Biden kept yelling. Seeing a furious Biden, team TBS had to retreat since none of us wanted him to nuke our office in Eskaton.
Next up was the Vice President of the United States - Komola Debi. (No, we are not going to call her "Kamala Devi", because the writer isn't posh (read colonised) enough.)
The mother of the private prisons and protector of 'law and order' greeted us with a warm welcome. We could see that she was feeling ecstatic. After all, the only credibility she had for this job was her identity. We asked her the same question. Her smile vanished - much like the African American fathers she put away in prisons for non-violent crimes.
"It was infuriating. I am the first South Asian, Indian, second-generation … (Komola had to pause to drink some water: quite understandable given all the history she made) African-American Vice President in the history of the United States. Why did I not get all that footage? I even wore that purple dress the producers from Simpsons told me to wear (context: The Simpsons predicted that a lady wearing purple suits would become VP of the US) I had them tailor-made by two black women so that Chris Cuomo could go gaga over the outfit and the Black communities would know how sympathetic I am towards their struggle."
"But didn't you send their husbands to jail?", one of our Bernie-bro reporters misspoke. Kamala got furious. She could kill him with her eyes.
"No! It wasn't their husband. Those were some peasants from the ghettos. These ghettos are full of criminals. I had to protect the law and order, you know?"
Then she went back to gloating about how historic her win was, even though she couldn't win a single delegate in the primaries. We, on the other hand, moved on to meet our final guest in Vermont.
On our way, we met some sassy millennials aka snowflakes. We asked them why they were getting so excited over a Socialist grandpa.
One random guy responded while putting away the joint in his hand.
"We are gonna topple the corrupt government, man! We will do some revolution or something, you know?"
"Did you vote in the primaries?", we asked him.
"Voting is for the boomers, man! It's overrated. The system is corrupt, you know?"
We didn't know. We wanted to ask how he would rebel with pot in his hands or without voting, but he was too high to respond.
We also met some QAnon supporters rallying but we barely had the guts to engage since they might mistake us for Arabs or Jews. ("Jews will not replace us" chants in the background)
Finally, we reached Vermont and we realised why Sanders wore that jacket. It felt like the dementors and the white walkers shook hands and collaborated to bring about this bone-chilling cold weather.
After a long tiring day of harassment and disappointment, the long-awaited moment finally came. It was time to meet the man (read old man) himself - Bernie Sanders. (Drum rolls, please)
Senator Gandalf greeted us hobbits, brewed us each a cup of coffee and made sure we felt at home. Then we asked him why he wore such an outrageous outfit.
"In Vermont, we know a thing or two about the cold. We are not so concerned about fashion, we just want to keep warm. That's what I did today. Even if it was my inauguration, I would probably wear the same outfit.", replied Bernie with his signature smile.
"What about the mittens?", we asked.
"Well, I got them from Jen Ellis back in 2016 after losing to Hillary in the primaries. She is a high school teacher here and a very nice lady."
So, there was no conspiracy. The lovable grand-daddy of the millennials wasn't paid by Raul Castro to pull something like that. Democracy had been preserved.
But more importantly, we realised that he is so loved by his adherents that his ordinary outfit, manila envelope and hand-made mittens made the news, took the internet by a storm. He even made merchandise out of that meme and sold it for charity.
America may have chosen the wrong old man as their president.