Stepping into the shoes of my stepmother
Why does being a step-parent generally carry a negative connotation? The ‘step’ can also mean a step closer
She was standing in front of her new home. There was no one at the door to receive her. No floral decoration, or no crowd of women led by her mother-in-law, waiting happily to receive the new bride. She slowly and hesitantly pushed the half-open door with her palm and entered her new home. The first face she saw was mine, a little skinny boy with golden brown hair.
As far as I remember I didn't ask her who she was. I guessed who she could be. She smiled and shyly asked my name. I told my name and then turning my face towards the floor, went to my room.
She was much younger than the man she had just gotten married to and came from an underprivileged family. There was no demand from the groom - such as dowry. The only expectation from my father was that the woman would readily accept the role of a 'mother' to his son. Well, she knew how to cook, wash clothes and clean the house but she had little idea about how to be a mother. But she happily accepted it, as she knew it was always honourable for a divorcee woman to be someone's wife than staying in her maiden home.
Keep updated, follow The Business Standard's Google news channel
Just put yourselves in our shoes for a while. We are two strangers who are obliged to love each other battling the preconceived notions of the relationship between stepchild and stepmother encouraged by thousands of rumours, myths, fairytales, movies and soap operas. Some optimistic people often say that it takes time. But as I have firsthand experience of living with my stepmother for the last 23 years, I would say it also takes 'effort.'
"You're not my mother; I don't have to do what you say!" I remember saying these lines to her in my childhood, whenever she told me to do something I didn't want to. It wasn't like she was abusive, but I wanted to take her power away as my parent.
But my stepmother always avoided this power struggle. Instead, she used to restate her role and the rules without making any confrontation. Her responses were always like, "I am not your mother. I know that. But I am responsible for your upbringing, and you are obligated to follow the rules of the family. And if you break the rules, there will be bad consequences." She consciously got rid of the thoughts in her head that she deserves to be the 'mother' or merely a 'designated mother.' She didn't take any of those extreme stances rather she took the middle ground of being only a 'committed parent'.
A misstep that's also quite common among stepparents is that they often forget that their stepkids may need one-on-one time with their original parents. However, my stepmother always understood that I and my father had a mutually shared life before she came into our family. She used to give us 'space' whether it is letting us watch TV together or telling us to go to the park for a walk. On the contrary, if she didn't encourage my father to be with his children, it could send messages of insecurity and competition between us.
Today, as a young adult, I realise that I've created many situations during my childhood and teenage years when my stepmother might have felt like beating her head against a brick wall or becoming completely emotionally drained. For instance, she had to go through the uneasiness of the fact that my father had a parenting relationship with his ex-wife or the fact that no matter how well she cared for me, I still longed for my biological mother. What her approach was- she didn't expect instant love or even liking between us. Initially, she settled for respect.
My stepmother was young enough to have her own children. Two years after her arrival when my sister came into our family, my stepmother always made sure that I'm not kept aside or treated like an unwanted part of the family. And when I started growing up together with my sister, she ensured that we respect and look up to each other. Hence, we could build a blended family leaving all the labels behind of a stepfamily.
Conversely, it also happens that when a new child comes into a family, the older children are not given proper attention. And often the attempt to find comfort elsewhere may push the children towards substance use, sexual exploitation or even committing other criminal acts.
On a final note, I believe being a parent is much more than the mating of a sperm and an egg. Like biological parenthood, step-parenting is challenging as well as rewarding. My stepmother was empathetic, wise and responsible enough to understand the dos and don'ts of a stepparent. The result is our strong bonding and 22 years of togetherness.
When she first came to our home, there was no one at the door to receive her. But now when I reach home after the office, it is always my stepmother who opens the door for me and always with a smile. So, let's not talk of 'step-parents' with an audible sigh anymore.
Why does being a step-parent always imply something negative? The 'step' can also mean a step closer.
Nayan Sayed Jibon, an English Literature and Cultural Studies graduate from Jahangirnagar University, works as a content writer in Asiatic 360.
Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the opinions and views of The Business Standard.
